zohbugg: I’m sorry for the long post, but I just wanna take a second to have a real talk… partly... - La Mitocondria Voladora


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Monday, March 26, 2018

zohbugg: I’m sorry for the long post, but I just wanna take a second to have a real talk… partly...


I’m sorry for the long post, but I just wanna take a second to have a real talk… partly because I feel like I emotionally need to get this all out and partly because I feel a responsibility to

I have bipolar 2, or bipolar depression. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression as a kid, but I didn’t get my bipolar diagnosis until I was in my early 20s. I had been on medication basically my entire life but I had zero stability up until that point. 

Finally getting the right diagnosis, and getting onto anti-psychotics instead of just straight anti-depressants was a game changer for me. Being in the correct class of drugs was like night and day. I finally found some equilibrium in my life. It’s been almost 4 years since my last huge depressive episode.

I was happy, and at times I got to forget that I had a mental illness. Sure I still had anxiety at times, but I’d had 20+ years of learning how to deal with it and was pretty experienced in how to take care of it. 

Which is why I didn’t notice the depression sneaking back. 

It took me by surprise. It had been slowly building for months, but I didn’t notice it because the last depressive episode I’d had was so explosive and bad, I mean, I was nearly hospitalized because I was suicidal, self harming, and a complete non-functioning wreck. 

So to have a “functional” depressive episode… it snuck up on me. I chalked up my malaise and numbness to being tired from having a very physically demanding job. I chalked up my crying spells to just being stressed or tired. I mean, I am just starting my career after all and everyone must go through tough times. It went on for weeks, unchecked by me because I just simply had forgotten what clinical depression felt like. I mean, how could I be depressed? I was still able to get up and go to work. I was able to play video games on weekends and go out to eat with my boyfriend, that kind of “normal” stuff

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that something finally clicked in my head that no, this isn’t normal; something is wrong. Standing in line at walgreens on the verge of tears for absolutely no discernible reason. Being unable to get off the couch and have no motivation to do anything besides watch old seasons of America’s Next Top Model. It taking literally every last drop of willpower inside of me to get off my ass and go to the grocery store, only to find myself completely drained of energy by the time I get to the checkout line and not be able to do anything else for the rest of the day… that kind of fatigue isn’t normal. 

Even texting my friends back was exhausting and I felt so numb to everything. The only thing I felt was apathy. I had stopped doing anything I loved. I couldn’t complete even the most simple of tasks.

So I realized that I was slipping back. And I needed to do something. I went and talked to my psychiatrist who immediately after looking at that emotional survey they make you fill out was like “yeah holy shit my dude, you are super depressed” (well not really, he’s an elderly polish man but you get the point). He prescribed me anti-depressants to take on top of my bipolar medication and he’s pretty confident that I’ll be better in a few more weeks. I’ve spent years in therapy before so I know the kinds of things I need to do to get myself better mentally. 

I’ve already been on the new meds for a few weeks and the fact that I’m even typing this all up means I’m getting better. I’ve stopped crying for no reason, I’m able to run errands and get what I need done done without feeling completely drained halfway through the day. I’m working on a cosplay project again, something I definitely didn’t have the capacity to even think about a few weeks ago. Hell, I’ve even gone back to the gym this week, something I’d given up on months ago. 

It’s still hard sometimes and I definitely still fight against my own laziness. But the key is that there’s a difference between me choosing to be lazy, and clinical depression not giving me any other option. 

I guess what I wanted to say, through all of this, is that mental illness is non-stop. It’s not something that’s cured. And it’s not my fault. I beat myself up that I let it get this bad because I was complacent. But that’s not right. In fact it’s amazing that I had so many years where I wasn’t depressed. I’m so lucky that I found the doctor I have and have access to the medications and support system that I’m able to see something is wrong and get the help that I need. 

If you’re feeling like I did, I want to tell you to not give up. Hell, I nearly did again and I’ve had years of knowing the right things to do and what to recognize in myself and it still slipped right by me. The path to stability isn’t straight. Sometimes you slide back down. But know that it’s not a failure. It happens. It’s the shitty mental health card that we’ve been dealt. But help is out there. I love you, and you can overcome it. We can do it. 

March 26, 2018 at 12:56AM

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